Why would she even want to hear from me after that? How could she trust anything I have to say?

Does it matter? Do you want to be the person that didn't talk to her about something important to her because you were ashamed of yourself. Do you want her to think you really don't feel you can't become a better person than that?

I'll talk to her, alright?!

[There's a small smacking sound. She's got her face in her hands now.]

Did I fail her?

No. You shouldn't even see it as having the capacity to fail her. Amor fati. Everything you've done. Every experience you've had, whether poor or wise, has mad you who you are and given you the capacity to face problems like you need to now. You've been there. You can tell here there are ways of getting out of it.

Edited 2012-06-23 02:07 am (UTC)

I just...

[She makes a sick sort of noise.]

I'm ashamed of myself. I've told everyone what I used to be, but showing them...

Maybe they'll understand why I love John so much, though. Right? They might finally get why it was so easy for me to forgive him. That I'm not just crazy...?

[She's trying so hard to see this in a way that will let her face people again. Especially Lua, even though Lua already understands.]

I don't think you're insane. I think... a lot of people don't understand what it's like to have someone that dedicated and involved in them, even if that person made a lot of inappropriate choices you have to come to acknowledge.

I certainly don't.

I know you get it, but most don't. Some of them think I'm using Lua just to get my deal...that I only care about John. I'm not, and I don't!

[She sniffles.]

I'll talk to her. It's important. She's important.

For the record, I have never heard anyone say that. So whoever said it to you had been wise enough not to share it with me.

...Prefect thinks that I'm just being calculating with her. That she doesn't really mean shit to me as a person.

Prefect? [He sounds genuinely surprised by this. And a little disappointed.] When did he say that? [Not doubting, he's just wondering if it happened while he was gone.]

A while ago. Before the network went all fucked up again.

I said I would have risked my position here for her to trust that I had her best interests at heart and that's how he took it.

I know that isn't true. You'd still be there for her even if you weren't a warden. You were there for her long before you were.