You cook. You play chess. You have friends that ask about you. You go by "Ben" rather than a series of numbers. You were trained as a soldier.

You didn't try the same way before you got here. You relied on the Blue Lady to keep you safe. That's different. That's not trying, that's putting your fate in someone else's hands and hoping they'll take care of you. [If Manticore was an abusive father, the Blue Lady is a negligent mother.]

It doesn't matter why or how he he left, I can see that now. You can't control what happens by doing things like this.